


Pandora Awakened: An Alpha Station Ficlet

by LeoLovesAries



Category: Battlestar Galactica (2003)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-20
Updated: 2019-09-20
Packaged: 2020-10-24 15:09:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,144
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20708063
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LeoLovesAries/pseuds/LeoLovesAries
Summary: Another ficlet within the Alpha Station: A Battlestar Galactica Fantasy Reboot universe.Post epilogue. Original story and epilogue are necessary to understand and place this fic. The other AS ficlets are not.Pandora Awakened: Laura and Ellen are forced to share painful secrets they’ve been keeping from one another when a hidden keepsake from the past suddenly reveals itself.





	Pandora Awakened: An Alpha Station Ficlet

Pandora Awakened 

It had been an accident. She wasn't used to the room’s layout. She wasn't being careful, too preoccupied with her goal of finding what she was looking for. 

Rarely did they ever venture into each other’s bedrooms during the day. The common living space was where most of their time was spent and they had little need to go into the places where they retired for a few hours each night as two seperate families. 

For the children and for their own fortitude they existed as one familial unit most of the time in the center of the home; The living space where they watched movies and talked, the study where Laura taught the children, the kitchen where they ate their meals. Visiting the children’s rooms interchangeably to tuck them in, or to play with them was commonplace most days but their own bedrooms were very separate. Privacy was valued and respected by both couples. It had to be if their pledge to cohabitate into the foreseeable future was to be successful. 

  
If Sasha hadn't cried herself to sleep at naptime over her lost blankie it never would have happened. After a frantic and useless search around the house Laura had given the little girl Casey to snuggle with instead. Just until the security blanket could be found. The stuffed bear would do for the time being. 

Sasha had sniffled into its fur as Laura rubbed her back until sleep took over her toddler-sized frustrations. Once the little girl was down Laura left the room to continue the search. She was determined not to go through the same tantrum when bedtime rolled around. With Bill and Saul gone for the day it would only be she and Ellen there to deal with the night time routine. The twins could be a handful and some nights the task took all four of them. 

  
With almost every other inch of the home searched Laura was at a loss. She wondered for a moment if perhaps the blanket could be in Liam’s room.

The poor little guy had been feeling ill the night before and Ellen had been up with him well into the early morning hours. It was past noon and they had yet to emerge. 

With careful quiet steps Laura wandered down the haul to the Tigh’s end of the large cabin. 

Stopping at Liam’s room she licked her lips and stared at the initials L.D.T that Saul had carved into the door. It was shut and the lights were off. 

Presuming that it meant the boy and his mother were getting some much needed rest Laura skipped inspecting his room for his sister’s blanket. If it was in there Sasha would just have to wait. There was only one room left to search.

Down the hall Saul and Ellen’s door was open.    
Mindful of her footfalls, not wanting to wake anyone Laura silently made her way to it’s frame and paused before peering inside. 

It wasn't as if she’d never been in there before, it just usually wasn't in the light of day, and never uninvited. As conscious as they were of each other’s privacy and boundaries there were occasional times when the status quo just wasn't practical. Both Laura and Ellen still suffered from occasional bad dreams. Nightmares really. Most often it was one or the other. Either Laura woke up in a cold sweat or Ellen in tears, but there were occasional times that they actually shared a nightmare. A specific nightmare; one so vivid and wrenching that Ellen often compared it to some kind of awful involuntary projection. It was not unlike the phenomena of Laura’s past dreams she’d shared with Athena and Caprica. Because of that she was less than shocked when they’d first realized what was happening.

It happened for the first time not long after they’d permanently moved down to Earth and into the cabin. Both women would dream that they’d been awoken by the calls of a child. A child calling for her mother from somewhere out of sight. They always knew instantly that it was neither Liam nor Sasha calling for them. Somehow they each knew with certainty that it was Katya’s voice, at least what she’d sounded like as a young girl. Despite knowing logically that hearing their late daughter’s voice was impossible both women would leave their respective beds in their dream state, exit their rooms and begin frantically rushing toward the sound. The haunting calls of “Mommy” seemed to change locations every time Ellen or Laura felt they were getting close, leading their desperations to rise. Ultimately chasing the voice around their own sides of the cabin would lead them to find one another in the center of the home. Most times, seeing one another was enough to snap them out of the dream. They would lock eyes with one another and then come to in their own beds.

But on a rare few occasions seeing each other hadn't been enough and the nightmare continued. They would hold each other's gaze for a beat, but only until the voice called again, this time from outside, back toward the direction of the lake. 

On these rare occasions the two would dart off, exiting out the back door, both running and shouting out for Katya at the top of their lungs. The voice would ultimately lead them both to the edge of their dock where it disappeared into the lake water. The depths of which they knew only held their daughter scattered remains. There they would go to clutch one another in shared despair only to wake up sweating and crying on opposite sides of the house. 

Usually they’d both rise, exiting their bedrooms in a hurry to meet each other in the center of the home just as they had in their dream, finally finding the comforting embrace that had eluded them within it. On those nights they’d retreat to the guest room together in hopes of finding peace and a few more hours of sleep in each other’s company without disturbing the rest of the family. 

That nightmare along with others of similar vane often caused both women to suffer from clusters of painful grief and depression that intruded on their otherwise happy lives for days and nights at a time. Sometimes they would suffer the same laps, especially after the shared dream, but most often it was one at a time. 

During those times, just as they had during the first year after Katya’s death, they often sought each other out for comfort on one side of the cabin or the other. Whether they spent the night under the covers held tightly together in grief or whether they sat up sipping tea and commiserating or even trying to make one another laugh it usually meant that either Bill or Saul were sent to the extra bedroom. 

  
It happened less and less for each of them as time went on but it was still part of their lives. It was part of what made it so odd for Laura to step inside a place that she usually only visited in the dark of night under duress. Because of this the room caused a sense of sadness to swell within her. 

Entering the room after her slight hesitation she told herself that she would be in and out. Just a quick look in case Sasha had dropped her blanket when she’d run in to tell Saul good morning and give him a hug before he left for his day trip.

Laura bent down to check under the bed. 

There was no worn out little blanket to be found.

Upon standing back up was when it happened. 

Her elbow knocked right into the dresser top sending some of the Tigh’s belongings loudly clattering to the hardwood floor. 

Laura cringed as the intrusive noise crashed through the calm quiet afternoon, at first far more worried that she’d woken someone up with her clumsiness rather than if she’d broken something. 

She stopped herself from swearing out loud and paused for a moment, listening for any voices or movement beyond the bedroom door. Assuming that everyone had slept through her fumbling she finally looked down to survey the damage. Not far from her feet she saw Ellen’s hairbrush. More concerning was what she found a foot beyond it. A small resin box, fallen open with it’s contents scattered about the floor. 

Laura had noticed the box atop the Tigh’s dresser before. She even remembered it being in their bedroom back on Alpha. She’d never thought much about it, assuming it was Ellen’s jewelry or Saul’s Orbit Patrol ribbons and medals, but she had known it was there, always in the same spot.

She felt so stupid and clumsy.

Dropping to her knees she began to search the floor. When she reached for the first item she winced as she realized what it was; a pair of Orbit Patrol wings. 

Her stomach dropped as she surveyed the other trinkets around her. Suddenly she realized what she’d just spilled all over the floor.

Clutching the pin in her palm she reached for another item with her free hand. A small white organza sachet, cinched closed with a satin ribbon. As she held it between her fingers she could see the contents through the sheer fabric; a small lock of thick black hair. 

Laura’s eyes filled with tears. She quickly placed both treasures in her lap and reached for the fallen box. She had just knocked a capsule full of precious mementos to the ground. All at once she felt incensed to gather every priceless item and get them all back where they belonged. She wasn't hurrying so that Ellen wouldn't find out. In fact she had every intention of telling her what happened. She just couldn't stand the thought that her daughter’s cherished belongings had been slammed to the floor to roll under the furniture with the dust bunnies and the twins’ ever regenerating cracker crumbs. She had to make sure she found everything. 

She blinked the tears out of her eyes needing her vision clear enough to search. Placing the wings and sachet back into the box Laura reached for the next closest item, a single baby shoe; a tiny ballet slipper. The mate to the one Ellen had given her back on Alpha. Laura cherished hers but it was rare that she took it out, knowing the emotive response it usually caused. She and Ellen had reunited the pair only once, to put them on Sasha’s feet for picture. She could still remember how they each put one on the infant, both lamenting over never having seen their daughter at that age.

Laura held it, brought it up to her nose and imagined she could still smell the scent of milk and baby lotion. She put it back inside the box before the knot in her throat became too painful. 

Back to her task another look around the floor recovered a small plastic pill bottle by the foot of the bed. At first Laura wasn't sure if it had come from the box, considering that it could have been knocked off of the dresser top along with Ellen’s hairbrush. Squinting in the blue-grey light coming through the bedroom window drapes she read the label. Sure enough it had Katya’s legal name and station number. 

Each object that Laura found hurt to look at and hold but the bottle was also confusing. Kat’s pilot wings and a curl of her hair made sense, but an old medicine bottle seemed like an odd keepsake. Something inside of it rattled as Laura handled it. She squinted through the cobalt plastic. There were no pills left inside. Whatever was kept in it seemed small and metallic

“What happened?” Ellen’s voice interrupted, startling Laura’s inspection.

Laura flinched in surprise, caught off guard by Ellen’s appearance.

“Are you alright? I heard a loud…” Ellen’s words trailed off as she seemed to focus in on what Laura was holding.

“I’m _ so _ sorry, Elle,” Laura said shaking her head in exasperation. “I was just looking for Sasha’s blanket. I can’t find it anywhere. I thought I’d just take a look and see if she’d left it in here. I wasn't paying attention and my stupid elbow hit the damn dresser. Some of your things fell. I was just...picking them up. I really am sorry. Gods, of all things to knock over...I’m so sorry.”

Ellen wordlessly walked over toward where Laura knelt on the floor by the side of the bed. She sat down beside her, all the while keeping her eyes on the contents of Laura’s hand.

“I shouldn't have come in here. I should have just waited and asked you to look for it but Sasha cried for it all morning and I just wanted to search as best as I could while she was napping and I had the free time...I really am sorry.”

“It’s okay,” Ellen said, her focus still drawn to the small bottle. 

She put her hand out and extended her palm silently asking Laura for the object. 

Without hesitation Laura handed it over. Dismissing the oddity of it she resumed her scan over the area to collect the rest of the scattered objects. 

“I don’t think anything broke,” she said as she found a small hair barrette and then a child’s costume bracelet made up of pink and purple plastic alphabet beads spelling out KAT. 

She quickly returned each item to the box as new tears began to fill her eyes once more.

“It’s  _ okay _ , Laura,” Ellen repeated. 

“I know. I know,” Laura said sniffing back the swell of emotion. “I just- I wasn't expecting to see all of this.”

Ellen nodded and looked back down at the bottle in her lap, brows knit and cheeks tinged red as if she were somehow ashamed of something. 

Laura looked around once more. She found only one more token, a little silver charm shaped like a patrol ship. 

Returning the charm to the box she looked at the items and smiled sadly as she ran a finger over each one.

“I think I’ve got it all, unless something slid under the furniture. Do you want to check and make sure nothing’s missing?” Laura asked as she looked up to find Ellen still staring intently. 

“I’ll check later. It’s fine,” Ellen answered dismissively, not nearly as upset over the box of momentos as Laura presumed she would be. 

“Her Alpha necklace,” Laura thought aloud. The simple A symbol that Katya once wore usually hung from Ellen’s neck most days. “I didn't find it. Was it in here?”

Ellen took a moment to reply as if she were only half listening. 

“No. No I wore it the other day,” she answered dully. “It’s in the bathroom.”

Her only concern seemed to be the strange bottle she held. 

“Oh...Okay.”

There had been half a dozen priceless things within the little box, most of which Laura envied Ellen for having to cherish. From the lock of hair to the adorable plastic beads it was all so sweet. All of it except the bottle. It seemed to be such an odd keepsake for a mother to save yet Ellen seemed absorbed by it. 

“Ellen, are you okay? I’m truly sorry for coming in here without asking and...”

“I’m fine, Ellen cut her off. “It’s- fine,” she repeated without ever looking up. 

Laura watched her with a furrowed brow growing more and more concerned. It wasn't out of the ordinary to see the haunted expression on Ellen’s face when they spoke of their daughter. It was what Laura felt emanating from her that was disturbing. She couldn't place it. 

“Ellen?” Laura said, trying to get her attention. “Look at me.” Something wasn't right. She could feel it hanging heavily in the shared air between them. When Ellen finally looked up her eyes were rimmed red. “Elle, what  _ is _ that?”

  
  


With a deep breath that shook the whole way down Ellen looked back at the bottle held tightly in her fist and heavy droplets began to fall from her eyes. 

“Elle…”

“ _ There’s still so much I haven't told you about her, Laura, _ ” Ellen wept. “ _ Some things that I wish never happened. Things it still hurts to even think about.” _

Immediately Laura felt her heart sink and a shiver traveled down her spine. Ellen had shared so much with her over the past few years, never really shying away from explaining the challenges in their daughters young life. To learn that there were still things so grave that Ellen had kept them from her sent a rush of fear through Laura’s bones.

Cautiously she scooted herself over toward Ellen as close as she could. They both sat with their backs against the foot of the bed, shoulder to shoulder. 

“Please...tell me…” Laura whispered.

The request made Ellen’s tears fall harder. Laura winced wondering what past darkness the other woman was holding on to. Whatever it was Laura knew one thing; there was no pain that she wouldn't endure with women beside her in hopes that sharing the burden would lessen the weight for each of them. It was how they lived now, sharing their joy and their grief interchangeably. 

“ _ I always tried my best, _ ” Ellen sobbed. 

“I know you did,” Laura assured, placing her shaking palm over Ellen’s trembling knee. “I know that.”

“ _ I gave her all that I had and sometimes it just wasn't enough. I just wanted to love her and make her happy but there were times I couldn't do both at the same time.” _

“Ellen, I've told you, I don't expect any explanations when it comes to how you raised Kat. Not anymore.”

“I’m  _ not _ talking about  _ me _ , Laura. I’m talking about  _ her _ .”

Laura paused and swallowed. 

“What do you mean?”

Ellen’s lip quivered as she tried to reply. If she was going to tell Laura the truth she had to be able to do more than just snivel at her side. She sucked a gulp of air down and did her best to compose herself before attempting to speak again. 

“Saul and I did all that we could to keep her happy and healthy...And for the most part...she was. She was,” Ellen began as Laura listened with worried apprehension. Just a few short years earlier Ellen would have proclaimed that she couldn't care less about what Laura thought of her parenting. Now disappointing her in that way was something that she absolutely dreaded. “We gave her everything she wanted. Spoiled her rotten every which way from toys and games to clothes and concert tickets on Delta. She had all the attention in the world. She had friends, she had hobbies, she was successful at so much and- most of the time- she was happy...but there were other times…” She paused. “...there were these- phases.”

“Phases?” Laura echoed.

“Weeks...sometimes months at a time when Kat would suddenly fall into such a dark place within herself.”

Laura’s eyes went back down to the medicine bottle that Ellen was still clutching. Suddenly her mouth went dry imagining the pills had been for some emotional or behavioral issue.

“She would get into fist fights with other kids around the station, she would pick arguments with me and Saul over the  _ stupidest _ things,” Ellen explained as she shook her head at the painful and frustrating memories. “Her already awful appetite would  _ disappear _ or she would refuse to eat in front of us…That was something strange...as if we made too big of a deal about it. She...felt- I dunno-  _ watched _ \- I think...Sometimes she would only eat in private.”

Laura closed her eyes tight at the awful recounting. She couldn't help but picture her daughter in such a desperate state; yet another moment of time she’d missed the opportunity to help her through. Though she had no idea if she would have had the slightest notion of how to do so she still yearned to scoop the broken girl into her arms and promise her that everything would be okay. 

As Laura opened her eyes and saw the anguish on Ellen’s face she moved her hand to gently take hold of the woman's forearm that shook so hard the contents of the bottle made rattling noises inside. 

“She was depressed,” Laura presumed. “That’s often clinical...chemical. It wasn't your fault.”

Ellen let out a tear strangled breath before going on. 

“ _ We sent her to doctors and counselors and I dunno...Maybe they helped. Maybe it would have been worse if we hadn't. We tried to talk to her, we never stopped telling her how loved she was and how wanted she was.” _

“Ellen…”

“ _ You always tell me that you want to know  _ ** _everything_ ** _ , Laura. Everything I’m willing to share, everything I can remember. I can’t keep telling you about ballet recitals and birthdays and the cute little pranks she’d pull on Saul, because without the bad…”  _ Ellen paused as she grimaced down at the bottle.  _ “Without the bad you’ll never understand how much the good times meant to us...to her…And I just need you to know…I need you to know how hard we tried for her.” _

Laura clenched her teeth and braced herself. They’d gone through the worst together already and they were still surviving every day. She could take whatever Ellen was about to unleash as long as they were side by side.

“Tell me,” she said softly. 

Ellen took another long shaky breath and blew it out. She rolled the bottle between her fingers causing the metallic object with it to clink around some more. The sound of it made her tears run hot, but even so, she spoke through them.

“She was almost fifteen. It was just a couple of months until her birthday. We had a big party planned for her and everything. She was nearing the end of her primary schooling and she was ready to choose an independent study course. The lab had even tentatively accepted her apprenticeship. The boys had moved aboard the station earlier that year and after her little fling with Blaze she and Alexi were finally getting closer. She had so much to look forward to- but in spite of it all she…just suddenly dropped into one of her- _moods_,” Ellen explained. “It was so damned abrupt. As if she’d literally woken up on the wrong side of the bed or something. I blamed teen hormones at first but then...it didn't go away. She became angry and quiet. Hardly even spoke to Tawny or the boys. She ignored Margot when she’d call asking to visit. She only left her room if she had a class or a ballet session to get to. Her nightmares were _awful_. The more we tried to console her the angrier she would get. We thought it would pass like these things usually did. We figured that we’d just have to help her through it, weather the storm that she created for a few weeks and wait for the light at the end like usual- _but_ _this time…” _Ellen said as her voice cracked with the return if her tears “_But this time…”_

“ _ Lords _ ,” Laura whispered in an involuntary gasp of dread. 

She could feel it. Even if she hadn't put the pieces together, she'd be able to feel it. It was pouring out of Ellen like a wailing river.

Unable to gain her resolve again Ellen went on through her tears.

“ _ One night after dinner Saul went to Kat’s bedroom to bring her some dessert.  _ He’d ordered these big beautiful Beta cherries in hopes that she wouldn't be able to resist. It was kind of a peace offering. He’d been losing patience with her a lot. He knew that it wasn't her fault, but she could be so damn frustrating and they were fighting so much _ . He just wanted the whole thing to be over, he wanted to see her smiling again,”  _ Ellen rasped. She closed her eyes against the memory and blew out a long stream of her breath before continuing. “He knocked on the door. She didn't answer. He called her name and when she didn't open the door her got fed up and barged on in. He didn't see her on the bed where she usually sat reading or watching videos. The door to the head in her room was open and the light was on.  _ He called her name a few more times...and then...then he walked over…” _

Laura cringed, shutting her eyes tight as if it would block out her mind’s eye from seeing what she could only presume was coming. 

“ _ He found her on the floor with her back slumped against the shower door…”  _ Ellen’s voice squeaked past her lips and lost its volume. 

She tried to fight against the growing pain in her throat but the anguish of the memory momentarily won out as she struggled to speak.

Beside her Laura’s eyes were now open, gone red in a mix of shock, anger and desolation. Her jaw was clenched like a vice in order to stop the strange inclination she felt to chatter her teeth as if she were freezing. Her first instinct was fury; outrage that something so horrific was allowed to happen.

“How…” She tensely gritted.

With a sharp gasp Ellen pulled her knees to her chest and bowed her head down against them.

Laura bit her tongue hard. She needed to stop the anger seething inside of her. There was no doubt that Ellen could feel it whether she was reading her or not. 

“Just tell me how...please,” she said again, trying to soften her bitter tone.

Ellen sobbed some half jointed and desperate babble into her lap for a moment, a mix of apologies, hiccups and whimpers before actual words began to form again.

“ _ Saul started shouting for me, yelling, calling her name trying to wake her up. I got in there and I saw her and all I could do was scream at the top of my lungs. Gods I screamed…” _

Ellen could still hear her own cries echoing in her ears. She’d screamed as wildly and as loudly only one single time since then. 

“Tell me  _ how _ ,” Laura insisted through her clenched jaw.

Overcome with the knot formed in her throat Ellen shook her head and winced. Unable to speak, she held out the bottle for Laura to take.

For a moment Laura stared at it as if she were being offered a vial of poison. In a manner of speaking, she supposed she was.

With a trembling hand she reached out to take it. 

Squinting through the dark blue plastic she finally made out the bottle’s contents. It wasn't as if she hadn't on some level expected what it would be, but even so a sharp gasp escaped her lips and she dropped the bottle as if it had suddenly grown scalding hot and burned her fingertips.

“ _ My gods,”  _ she cried as it fell and clattered to the narrow space on the floor between them.

The tiny razor was recognizable as the cheap military issued type of blade that came inside MREs and emergency essential kits packed alongside calorie supplements, lighters and bandages. Every military family had at least a half dozen kits around their homes as they were issued every quarter year and rarely used. The Tighs had been no exception with a kit in every room and closet and several tucked inside drawers and cabinets. 

Lifting her head from her knees Ellen reached down and retrieved the rueful keepsake. She heard Laura choke back a sob when she held it up to examine again. 

  
  


“ _ She couldn't get to her left wrist because of her station cuff… _ ” Ellen said before a deep intake of breath. “So she’d only done the right, but...this empty bottle of pills was on the sink. Leftover pain medicine she’d been prescribed months earlier after having an ankle procedure on a dance injury. I don't know how many were left in there but they were gone and-  _ she wouldn't open her eyes _ ….. ** _Frak me! Godsdamn it! I’d thought about it...I had...It crossed my mind...She’d hurt herself a few times before...but I never thought she would actually...She had so much going for her. Her life was full, she was so loved, we were getting her help. I couldn't fathom why she would…”_ **

Ellen broke down unable to continue. 

Laura rubbed at her eyes cursing herself for having ever walked into the Tigh’s bedroom and then cursing herself double for wishing that she’d avoided it all instead of enduring it the way Ellen had all these years.

_ “I know that you’re angry _ ,” Ellen cried. “ _ I’m sorry.” _

Laura gulped hard but her throat was so dry it hardly helped her regain her voice. 

“Not at you. I’m not mad at you.”

“I don’t blame you if you are.”

“Ellen, I’m not, I’m just…” Laura stopped and let out a huff, unable to describe what she was actually feeling “I want to know the rest...Will you tell me?”

Ellen ran her fingers through the crown of her hair. It was the one thing in Katya’s childhood that she and Saul had agreed to keep private. When she was alive they figured that it was her story to tell her birth parents if and when she ever felt comfortable, but they both knew a big part of their decision was due to how responsible they felt; humiliated that they had let it happen and failed to keep Bill and Laura’s daughter safe as promised. 

Ellen licked at her lips. She glanced up to face Laura and was given a nod of encouragement to go on. The feeling of outrage coming from her had lessened, replaced by pain and utter disappointment. It was almost worse.

“Please?” Laura asked again.

Ellen nodded. 

“Yes,” she agreed. She’d never meant to stop. She had to tell Laura all of it. It was just so hard to get it out. She wondered how Saul would react later when she told him that Laura knew and that Bill would probably find out too, sooner than later. He wouldn't resent her honesty but she knew he was going to be mortified. 

_ “ _ Saul was able to determine that she was still breathing, but it was shallow, her skin was pale and her lips were turning purple. I found something to wrap her wrist and then he picked her up and ran. I ran after them. Somewhere along the line to med ward people noticed and a call was put out. Medics met us and rushed her to the clinic in no time. Xao wouldn't let us behind the curtain.  _ Gods I wanted to kill him! They pumped her stomach and they sealed her wrist in a matter of fifteen minutes but I swear it felt like a lifetime.  _ Before she ever woke up they’d stabilized her and transferred her to the civilian side of the station. She was put into the clinic attached to the adolescent psychiatric ward. Saul was  _ beside _ himself. He could hardly look at her without breaking down. I sent him away because I didn't want her to wake up and see him like that. He went off and he got drunker than I’d seen him in eons,” She recounted with an involuntary hitch to her breath. “I sat with her and when she opened her eyes... _ as soon as she looked at me her face just crumpled and she cried ‘I’m sorry! I'm so sorry, I love you, Auntie. I didn't mean it, I swear, I’m sorry…” And I just kept asking her ‘why, kitten...why?” _

Ellen pinched the bridge of her nose and tried to keep her composure, or at least the semblance of it that she had.

“What did she say?” Laura asked in a near whisper, not sure if she was ready for the answer.

_ “She said that she didn't know. She just kept saying that she was sorry, that she would never do that to m _ e, _ that she would never leave me _ …”

_ “I said, ‘But you tried, baby. You frakking tried’. She just kept begging me to forgive her and telling me that she didn't mean it, that she hadn't meant to hurt me like that... and I never really understood what she meant.  _ Whether she was trying to tell me that she’d been out of control, if she’d done it as some kind of drastic cry for help or if she’d just completely regretted what she’d done after the fact. I tried to ask and listen but she never would say much else about that day. Whenever I brought it up she would always say the same things- “ _ I didn't mean it. I’m sorry. I didn't mean it.” _ We got her the help that was suggested by the doctors and then some, but I stopped asking her why.  _ She seemed so damned ashamed of it _ ,” Ellen finished, shaking her head with decade old despair and disgust. 

“Did she ever hurt herself again?” Laura attempted after a beat.

Ellen shook her head.

“Not like that...By the time she was sixteen things were so much better. Maybe because her adolescent hormones had leveled out or maybe the help she’d gotten worked. She was even able to go off medication. Her behavior improved. She knew that if anything showed up in her military psyc-eval that she would never be let into basic. They weren't allowed to look into childhood medical records, but she understood that she had to keep it together if she wanted to be accepted in.”

Laura nodded, trying to take the avalanche in. 

“Things were better as she got older but…I think once she started to drink she used it to cope when she fell into one of her episodes...but who was I to say much when it came to that? Those depressive instances were less severe and becoming pretty rare. She seemed better than she’d ever been and if letting loose and having a few drinks on her downtime helped her then Saul and I were fine with it. Looking back...I know now that she had the start of a problem. I know that was probably our fault. I see that now. I know you saw it as soon as you met her,” Ellen cringed.

Laura remained quiet, knowing that nothing she said on that matter would be helpful.

“I just… I never understood what frakking happened that day. It hurt me so much that my child could be so damned unhappy. I had always looked at her and seen perfection even though l knew how damaged she was. I tried so hard to make sure that she was cared for and content and it was like I’d failed completely. I couldn't wrap my head around the reality of it. That maybe she hadn't wanted to do it, but in the moment she just needed her pain to stop. It's just that...I had always wanted to live. At my darkest, at my most desperate and devastated I never wanted to give up...not until I lost her.  _ Now _ I guess I understand what it feels like...but back then...I couldn't help her. I know that from the time you first met her, before you even knew who she really was you thought that I was too overbearing, too involved in her life as an adult. Part of that was just how close we were, but part if it was because I’d promised myself I would  _ never  _ let it happen again. I swore I would  _ never _ again let my child get to that point, that I would never miss a frakking hint, or a clue or a godsdamn warning sign. And to me that meant knowing everything I could and being involved in every aspect of her life that she’d let me. I know you thought I treated her like a kid, and I guess I did, but I didn't know how else to try to protect her. 

_ When we adopted her I just wanted to save her. The day she tried to...the day it happened, I felt like I’d totally failed her _ .”

Laura’s brow lowered and she reached out to touch Ellen’s shoulder.

“Listen, Elle, you may have been at fault for a degree of Kat’s snarky attitude and her smart-ass mouth and perhaps your drinking wasn't always the best example, but, one thing that I’m confident that you never contributed to was her sadness or depression. I may not have experienced your relationship with Kat for very long, but I witnessed enough to know that most of her happiness and confidence existed because  _ you _ showed her how to achieve it.”

Ellen looked up at Laura with swollen eyes.

“It’s hard not to feel guilty. I felt so responsible…”

“You weren't. She loved you  _ so desperately _ ...No one... _ No one _ could have loved or cared for her more. I’ve told you that over and over and you know it’s true,” Laura pledged. And she fully believed it. No matter how much she wished that she’d gotten to raise her own daughter she knew that Ellen loved Katya just as much as she would have. “You are  _ not  _ to blame, Ellen, not for this.  _ Gods _ ...I probably had more fault in it than you did.”

“Frak, Laura,” Ellen returned with raised brow. “I mean the origins of her existence were certainly part of her deeper issues but that was never your fault. You know that.”

“I don’t mean that,” Laura returned as her eyes went down to her lap. “I mean, sometimes things like that...are genetic. Maybe she was predisposed to such tendencies because of me.”

Ellen stared back at her with a confused expression, her mind clouded with the fog of emotional exhaustion. It took a few moments before she finally felt what Laura meant.

“Shit, Laura,” she winced.”I’m sorry.”

Laura shook her head and looked away as if trying to avoid Ellen’s reaction. 

“It wasn't directly,” she began to explain. “Not like Kat. I don't think I could ever do what she did. I probably never had the frakking guts.”

Ellen hugged her knees closer to herself.

“What’dya do then?” she asked.   
  
Laura looked down at her hands as if she were studying them.

“I made a very deliberate choice to- stop getting my annual exams.”

“You mean…”

“I just stopped going,” Laura said cutting Ellen off. “I knew I had the gene. I’d had the testing done when I was twenty,” Laura admitted. “I’d kept up with it for years...Then one day I stopped. With an aggressive family history and two past scares I decided to stop getting check ups.”

Laura could remember Cottle questioning her about it. Why would an intelligent, educated woman with a family history and access to the finest doctors in Caprica go five years between breast exams? She’d told him that it was none of his business and deflected with a comment about his smoking and the claim that she was busy. It was such a weak excuse and her guilty conscious had irrationally wondered if he’d suspected.   
  
“When I found something on my own one day...I ignored it. I knew what it was the day I frakking first felt it in the shower. I knew the moment I touched it...and all I could think was,  _ what took so damn long? _ I pushed it to the back of my mind, but I  _ knew _ what I was doing. I let it go on for the better part of a year before the pain and symptoms began and I figured that I should start to prepare for what was coming. I knew what my diagnosis would be. I knew I’d waited until it was too far gone. I never had any intentions of treating it. None. Not with anything that would work. A big part of me welcomed it. I thought; this is how my mother died. This is how my grandmother died and her mother before her. I can’t escape it. I should die this way too,” Laura recalled. 

“Gods,” Ellen let out in a whisper.

“It was still hard to hear that official diagnosis, though,” Laura continued.”To hear a doctor tell me that I was dying. It wasn't the death sentence that suddenly hit me. It was the reality of what I was going to endure before it was over. I realized that I would have to suffer to get to the end and I wasn't prepared for it. I realized, my grandmother had my mother to care for her. My mother had me. I was going to suffer and die alone.” Laura stopped and let out a sigh. ”It had always just been this internal thought and suddenly it was real and I’d done it all to myself. Part of me was glad and part of me was in a panic thinking, what the frak did I do? Then...then the worlds ended...and somehow I was given a reason to live...given a sense of responsibility to go on. But if I’m being completely honest I wasn't  _ glad _ or  _ greatful _ to be alive until after Hera saved me,” she finished with a sad smile as she always did when thinking of the child who’d saved her life. She often imagined Hera on the other side looking after Katya and it comforted her.

“I didn't realize, Laura,” Ellen said as she struggled to absorb everything. “But...why?”

  
Laura shrugged and gave her a dark smirk. 

“I just...didn't care anymore. I didn't have anyone left to care about. I’d lost my family and I didn't want to care about anyone new. I had many friends but no one too close. I had a married lover whose life I didn't fit into and after too many years it had run its course. This is going to sound pathetic, and it was, but it isn't easy to go through life knowing that you don't  _ really _ love another living soul and...no one loves you either. I’m aware that in part the way I lived my life caused that to be the case, but it didn't make it easier. And though I did my best when it came to my work, I figured that I had made as much of an impact as I ever would. I started out my career doing something I loved so much and let it lead me into something as corrupt as politics. Telling myself that I was fighting for the colonies kids from the inside had started to feel like a godsdamn lie. All of my hobbies and interests put together weren't enough to fill the void I had and I felt...done. I thought I  _ was _ done. But...I was wrong…I was  _ so _ wrong. I didn't know it at the time but… _ I didn't mean it, _ ” she said reaching out for Ellen’s hand.

  
  


“I didn't mean it, Elle,” Laura repeated as their fingers warmly interlaced. 

Ellen nodded in understanding but her heart wrenched hearing Laura say the words.

“Then...when I resurrected on Alpha…the same feeling-it took over again.”

Ellen felt a sense of guilt begin to swell inside of herself. 

“I knew you weren’t well...I saw that, but I never thought it was that bad,” she admitted. “I was just so concerned with what you being back meant, for the prophecy, for my family...I knew that you were angry about being here, I saw that you were unhappy, that you weren't exactly stable. I know I even mocked you for it at the time.  _ Frak me. _ I just never considered...I’m sorry,” Ellen grimaced. 

  
She’d been in charge of overseeing Laura’s wellbeing. Her selfishness had blinded her. 

“My reasoning wasn't exactly the same as before, but there was a familiar haunting feeling from back then. I didn't want to be here. I didnt think there was anything for me in this life. I wanted to go back to wherever you’d pulled me from. No one could help me. I’d been brought back after all, with intent. This body felt wrong, this place and time felt wrong and I wanted a way out. There were times my mind wandered and I thought about how I could make it happen on my own. Bill knew it, suspected, eventually he called me on it and he all but begged me not to... For weeks I had to fight that wild despair telling me that this life had nothing to do with me, but then…”

“Kat,” Ellen finished for her.

“I didn't  _ think _ I wanted to live this life but...I didnt know. I didn't mean it.” 

Ellen looked down to her lap where her tears had dropped.

  
  
  


“She  _ was _ happy, Laura...most of the time. Most days she was laughing, and smiling, and doing the things she loved. Most days we were a happy family. Though she carried sadness and confusion inside her, though she had her issues, I stilI believe that and it's so important to me that you understand it and believe it too.”

“I do, Elle. I promise.”

“I kept the bottle and the blade because...I had to remind myself. I had to make sure that I remembered what that day felt like as much as I had to remember the good times. I had to make sure that I never let it happen again so there would be more good in her life to come. I put those horrible things in with all of those sweet memories because I needed to remind myself of all I could lose if I didn't pay close enough attention.”

“Ellen, you saved her over and over.“   
  
“But I couldn't save her after all that. Years of battling everything on the inside and then she’s taken from me anyway.” 

Laura wondered if Katya still had those thoughts during the time she knew her. She wondered if she fought them daily or if they just lingered in the recesses of her mind. She wondered if she would have been able to help her daughter if they ever came back- had she lived, or perhaps if it all would have disappeared with the twins in her life.    
  
“I got to know her. I got to meet my child because you protected her all of those years.”she insisted. 

Ellen closed her eyes against the stinging.    
“I can’t help but constantly wonder if things could have been different. I know...I know what Sam thinks even though he…”   
“ _ Frak  _ what Sam says,” Laura snapped before Ellen could finish the thought. “I don’t  _ care  _ what Sam  _ thinks,”  _ she added, causing Ellen to wince.

In the years following Katya’s death, though the general consensus had been not to talk about it, Laura and Ellen had in some way picked up on the unspoken feelings that their husbands shared with Anders. They tried their best to ignore it, refusing to even discuss it with each other, and though Sam had made a few attempts to vaguely explain his beliefs to Ellen, Saul and Bill never spoke to their wives about it. They knew that they didn’t want to hear it. 

  
Realizing how harshly she’d come off Laura gave Ellen a look of apology. 

  
“That...that just doesn't matter.”   
Ellen looked down and nodded.

  
Laura squeezed her hand and for a minute they sat quietly, the silence only cut by their occasional residual sniffling. 

_ “MOMMY!” _   
  
A little voice burst through the quiet from somewhere in the house.   
  
Their eyes both went to the door, focused on the far off sound.    
  
“Was that Sasha?” Ellen asked.   
  
_ “MOMMY!?” _   
The voice was too close.   
“Li,” Laura corrected.    
  
_ “MOMMY!”  _ a second voice called from further away.   
  
“Both,” they said in tandem.

  
_ “MAMA!” _ The two voices continued interchangeably.  _ “MOMMY!” _

Laura let out a long sigh.   
“It’s time to get up,” she said, wiping at her eyes.   
She reached to where the box sat on the floor beside her. Opening the lid she lifted it, offering it to Ellen. 

  
Ellen gripped the medicine bottle. Licking her lips she went to deposit it into the box. For a moment she hesitated. Perhaps it was time to throw it away. Perhaps it didn’t belong there with the rest of her beloved mementos anymore.   
  
“ _ MOMMY!” _ she heard Liam call again.    
  
Flinching she dropped the bottle inside the box.    
Laura snapped the lid closed before they could hear the contents rattle within it.    
  
“C’mon, Elle,” she said, extending her hand once again. “We still have a blanket to find.”    
  
  
  


  
  
  
  



End file.
